Sunday, November 19, 2017

Weekly Stitching

Another week down and another week of stitching, although not nearly as good this week as last (and next week will be even worse considering I'm working double shifts all next week). I left off on here on Night Wish last week:
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And I managed all but the horrible white center of the moon:
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It's very mundane, but it must be done, especially if I want to move on to the next project row finish.

I'm in the final season of Charmed and I've already started ordering the DVDs...should have known, me and my OCD! I do have to stop watching long enough to get caught up on some of my other shows. I don't watch a lot of current TV, but when did the media get so spoiler happy? If I don't watch them soon, it will be useless.

I've also finally weened myself of the Ritalin. No more horrible therapy appointments for me! Now I just have to work out the myriad of other issues I have on my own, but I know I can do it now that the pressure is off on all levels. I already feel better, even if I'm kind of alone right now. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Weekly Stitching

Someone got their mojo back and I think I've decided my path, at least for stitching for the rest of the year...more on that in a minute. First up, Alice and the B's. I left off last week here:
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And finished row 4:
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The total so far at just under 700 hours for a total of 697.92 hrs:
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I'm still not happy with the colors...usually at this point I'm getting settled with the weird colors in strange places and realize how much sense they make...I still think they charted this one all wrong. This will definitely be one of those charts that will have to be framed and viewed from afar.

Oh well, I decided to go back to Snow White by Jessica Clark because I'm still in a fairy tale-themed mood. I left on her back in May when Grandmother died:
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And despite my unhappiness with Snow's upper forehead, the part I did while I sat with Grandmother in hospice, I finished the second row of her, for a grand total of 115.67 hrs:
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Again, from afar she's great, but close up, between the bad stitching and the weird colors, I'm still a bit put off. Snow almost reminds me of a Kardashian with the bad color-matched foundation and the over contouring and highlighting. But finishing two project rows in a week made me realize my goal for the rest of the year is to finish the current row to as many pending projects as I can.

I started back on Night Wish today with that goal in mind. I left off on her back in May as well (it's odd how removed from that whole time period I feel now...I thought that Grandmother's illness and death was the worst thing I would deal with this year, that's what I get for thinking I guess):
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And it's hard to tell because most of it is white, but here is where I got to today:
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This one won't be as quick as Snow, especially with the whole moon to fill in, but hopefully only a couple of weeks worth of work.

I've been binge-watching Charmed this week as well per the recommendation of Vickie over at Reading and Stitching. I do like happy ending shows and I keep expecting the bottom to fall out at the end of season 4, and that worries me, but so far, so good. I didn't think I'd like this show since I never could get into Buffy (I'm one of those weirdos who prefers the movie) and this show is in the same "family" of shows. Don't even get me started on Shannen whats-her-face, but that wasn't a worry after season 3. I'm gonna keep on before I buy the DVDs though, just in case. If what I think is about to happen is about to happen, I'm going to be pissed off and maybe not want to finish the series.

One negative thing about the show though...whoever created those opening credits never had a brain tumor! I can't watch them at all! I figured eventually they would have gotten enough complaints to change them by the end of season 4, but apparently not yet.

I will say though, having a real stitching goal and being obsessed with a show again, makes me feel more normal than I have in a long time, even if I can't do anything else normally. I'm weening myself off the Ritalin. I haven't been able to get in to see the Asper-specialist and the thought of being stuck at the clinic is just too much. I saw my therapist last week by myself (although I still can't go by myself...my Sister couldn't go, so my boss took me). Between that session, a rather nasty fight with my Sister about her over-bearingness concerning my well being, and my new forum, I've had a realization that I really hate going to therapy and it's not helping but only making things worse. The only thing keeping me there is the Ritalin and once I'm off that, then it's all over with and there is no need to go back and maybe I can FINALLY put this whole mess behind me and move on with my life. Until then, I'm a witch-watchin' stitch-lovin' maniac!

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Weekly Stitching

I am determined to finish this row of Alice the B's before I start back on a normal rotation routine, but work is foiling my plans. I left off here last week:
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And most of the progress I made was today:
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Maybe I'll have it finished by next weekend...here's hoping, but the work week won't be any better, so I'm not countin' my chickins! And how freaky does Snow's empty mouth look with her eyes rolled back in her head like that? I think I'll save her lips for last just because I think it's funny!

I stayed late at work Friday night so my weekend could be free for the first time in weeks, but because I didn't leave work until 3 am Saturday morning and I had to take Bugs to the vet for his bi-annual checkup at 8 am, I wasn't much good on Saturday. I did get the duck room cleaned up a bit and broke down some of the boxes I've been saving for the move to the house I haven't built yet. It's still a mess, but at least I can see some of my Disney stuff in that room again:
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And goodness knows if I'll ever get to build that house anyway, especially with all these stupid medical bills, but I must still be hopeful because I'm still saving boxes, longing for the day when all the Disney stuff is in one room instead of spread all over the place. Oh, to have an "adult" bedroom without Disney villains and princesses staring at me while I sleep (when I sleep in the bedroom...which is rare, I'm still living on the couch) or Mickey watching me pee in the bathroom (which isn't rare because that bathroom is close to the couch).

I did join an Asperger forum. It took me a few days to do the introduction thing, but hopefully I can get support there that I'm not getting from family and the so-called professionals. From what I've been reading already, it's been amazing just reading the words of others who feel a lot like I do. I probably won't be posting much (I never cared much for posting on forums, just reading them), but I already feel quite a bit better, so it was worth the intro post.

On a positive note, Vickie over at Reading and Stitching has started FlossTubing. I spent a lot of today catching up on her videos. I kind of feel like all my stitchy bloggy friends are jumping over to FlossTube on me! If I ever do get to build a "real" house though, I think I will give it a go (if there is still a FlossTube by then).

Oh well, it's about to storm, so I'd better get off the computer for a while. Nothing else to report anyway. Life is quite boring at the moment and I've forgotten how much I missed that. I will never complain about that again!

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Weekly Stitching

I left off on Alice and the B's here last week:
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And due to a massively horrible work week, I barely made it here:
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At least you can finally tell it's a raccoon now. No ranting this week...I barely have the energy to make this post. I hate this time of year work-wise and this upcoming week won't be any better, but hopefully I can get started on the doe.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Weekly Stitching and I guess a weekly rant too

This was a much better stitching week, that's for sure! I left off here:
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And let me just tell you, Alice has a big frickin', zombie-colored head and I'm so glad to be done with it (at least for this row)!
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Right now, the poor raccoon in Snow's lap looks a bit like a gray pig...hopefully by next weekend, he'll look more raccoonish, but he's extremely confetti-heavy, so I can't promise much. It's also kind of hard to believe that small patch is two full pages and a part of a third, but then again, Alice's monster head was over three full pages wide, so I don't know why I'm shocked. It's hard to tell from these pics, but this is a huge project, even on 28ct.

Now for the rant part...last Tuesday, I get a text from my Sister that she talked to my therapist and I would be getting a call that night. Before I knew what had happened, I ended up in the therapist's office the very next afternoon. Of course, my Sister was at the appointment with me, but it was all like a covert operation...my Sister called in to tell them we were there, my therapist came to a side door and took us in the back door to her office but I was still in full panic mode. Eventually, I calmed down enough to have a session, but I'm not sure it helped (actually, I think it made things worse because now I'm expected to make progress I'm not ready to make yet). I have to go back again this week but now I've had an entire week to dread it versus less than 16 hours. If Amber can't go with me though, that appointment is SOOOO getting cancelled. Hell, I can't even afford the hospital bill now, now I have to deal with weekly therapy? Let's make me crazy and broke! Great plan guys!

The worst thing about being an Asper? Having the mind of a 12 year-old sometimes means the people around you treat you like you are 12 years old and you have no say in your own life. But the best thing about being an Asper? Having the ability to fake "normalcy" enough to get by, so maybe it's time I start faking a bit better (it's almost like I don't have the energy right now though, but I am trying and I can get by in short doses). Just smile, act like everything is OK, until I can get home at night and lock myself up in the house and maybe one day I might feel like going out to the store without needing an almost lethal dose of Xanax to do it. It's just a shame that I have to start faking to people that I've never had to fake with before...the final group of trusted ones. If you can't be your true self around those you love most, then you truly are alone in the world. This is my life now.

I've been watching this video all day long over and over (oh, the joys of OCD), and I'm definitely Mark in this scenario. This song and video is definitely my life right now...happy on the outside and really wanting to be that way on the inside, but in all actuality, being chased by all the demons I've ever dealt with. I just have to get to that point in the video where I take control back and get control over the bad things and they get back in the dance of life. It's a corny video in a lot of ways, but it really hits home with me.

That's how I get through things, a lot of stitching and either Duran Duran or Take That singing words that strike at my very core...this time it's TT. When I think about it though, Take That, especially Mark's solo stuff tends to hit me right in the gut most of the time whereas Duran is more about comfort and childhood reflection. This is a much older solo song of Markie's (and it's live), but it is another perfect example of what I mean because I'm trying really hard to get back to being this way...you might push me over the edge, but you will never hear me hit the ground.

The beginning of this song is still my ringtone though because it fits me right now:

That ought to be the Asper motto...a carnival inside my head. Oh well, this "carnival" is gonna shut down for at least 42 minutes and watch this week's episode of Once Upon A Time.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

More Penn trip

OK, it's time for me to stop ranting about my problems...the only way for me to get over all this mess is to find a way to move on and I can't do that if I can't get over it, so let's get back to the crappy, absolutely useless Pennsylvania trip, shall we? (Wait...did I just do it again?).

Most everything else we saw was pretty much from the car window, so this is the drive-by version of sites. Here is the Kentucky "castle" I always see from the interstate but have never seen close up. They have turned it into a hotel (it used to be a private residence):
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And we managed to drive almost right up to it before we had to turn around:
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Our first night we stayed in Bardstown, Kentucky, so we drove past "My Kentucky Home" (not sure what it is, but here it is):
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and NUMEROUS bourbon distilleries (which are quite ugly):
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We went to Transylvania University for the sole purpose of getting shirts (because they are cool things to have)...this history I do know a bit about...Kentucky was originally named Transylvania, but they decided to change it. Shame.
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Some weird helicopter thing happening in Virginia (or West Virginia, sometimes it was hard to tell):
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Of course, Trans Allegheny:
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Thought this was interesting...wonder what space info they are downloading?
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Everybody's got a gimmick:
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I got a bit obsessed with rock formations in the highway digouts (or maybe it was boredom):
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Giant rubber duckie (because why not?):
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A cool coal breaker being dismantled not far from Centralia:
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The graffiti road (and no, my hips aren't that big...my camera bag is):
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Hell:
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What do you do when you're stuck in traffic for an hour? Take fifteen million pictures of a series of bridges:
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We got to Gettysburg too late, but if ANYONE knows why they used to make fences like this, please explain it to me:
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Creepy Lincoln statue:
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Extremely close to Burkittsville (aka Blair Witch country and Antietam), this weird, creepy, dead tree that completely fascinated me:
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Not a very clear pic, but the sign of Burkittsville (that they changed to deter visitors after the movie came out):
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Actually, only two places in the town where filmed in the original movie, the sign and the cemetery, aka here:
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I was holding the camera pretty steady, but had a very hard time getting a clear picture (which is pretty hard with my camera):
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A quick circle through the start of Antietam:
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Crossing the Potomac into Shepherdstown, the supposed most haunted town in America (none of the pictures past this point turned out-a sign?):
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A preview of one of the many Oak Ridge, Tennessee facilities:
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The Parthenon in Nashville (always wanted to go there, but we didn't plan it well because there was an arts festival there as well as a Vanderbilt game and it was utter chaos):
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Why do I love my camera so much? Didn't even notice the netting on the Parthenon until I was editing the pictures:
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Call me kooky, but not only is Athena ugly, she's creepy too!
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And that's it...we were four hours from home at that point, so really nothing of interest other than numerous interstate walls (I do have my weird fetishes!).

It was a quick trip and was absolutely useless, but at least we got to go to some cool places even if we didn't get to stay very long and see some cool things. I just wish I had been in a better frame of mind and had been able to process everything better. I SOOOO love a road trip even though my Sister hates them. I need to find a road-trip partner...someone who can handle my road-warrior type of travel.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Weekly Stitching and yet more ranting

Yet another week of not getting done what I wanted to. I left off on Alice and the B's here:
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And I'm STILL dealing with Alice's hair, although I've been trying to distract myself with her massive forehead:
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And now the ranting shall begin, so you can just stop here...it won't hurt my feelings.

Once Upon A Time is getting better...without giving anything away, I now understand why Hook wasn't "right" in that first episode and I'm OK with it now. I'm still binge-watching the original though. I need a bit of mind-numbing happiness right now and since I can't take the meds that do it), then I'll take it where I can get it and since I'm a prudish good girl (dammit), I have to do it with TV.

I'm having a lot of issues with people not understanding what I'm going through and why I'm not just able to shrug off this whole hospitalization debacle and move on. Basically, it doesn't matter that I'm broken, the needs of others are more important than mine so I should just put all of this aside for their sake's (not sure where the logic for that comes from)...I just need to "get over it" and "move on" because it was "only three days, not three months", and "it's been over a month ago now" and "it's time to let it go" (and yes, all those quotes are actual).

I absolutely HATE the word, but has everyone forgotten that I am diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder? My brain is broke with or without the tumor...I learned how to make it work enough to get by, but this whole hospital thing fried or unplugged something and I feel like I've lost all my programming and damn if I forgot to make a back up copy. Sure, I can do the most basic of functions to get through the day, but if the slightest of extras is asked of me, I either break down into tears or have a panic attack and that is in every aspect of my life, be it work or personal. But when all is said and done...I was born broken and although I've managed to make a life faking it, I went through something that was traumatic enough for me to basically fry my brain completely to the point where I don't even care enough to fake it any more. I AM BROKEN AND THAT'S WHO I AM. Either take me or leave me as I am.

The only people who can help are mental health professionals, but I can't trust them because they are the reason why I'm in this mess in the first place...so I'm screwed on that front. I have to fix it myself, but that takes time and, at the moment, I can't deal with it. Even if I do manage to get myself restarted, rebooted, reformatted or whatever it takes, I'm never going to be the same again and that scares me even more. I keep trying to explain it, but apparently I can't explain it clearly enough, and I keep getting speeches filled with quotes like the ones above instead of support or even understanding...I'll take just a smidge of either right now. I might get a minute of it, but there is always a "but" that leads back to one or all of these damn quotes.

Oh, and my absolute favorite quote? "How come you were so terrified to be locked up and yet you can barely leave your house to go outside?". Oh, I don't know, because I was locked up in a strange place surrounded by strangers (I do have severe Social Anxiety Disorder) and my house is filled with everything that makes me happy (Asperger's) and I'm in constant fear of the world around me because I'm obsessed that I'm going to get dragged back to that place (OCD)? Add ADHD to the mix and probably fifteen or so other conditions, and not a pleasant soup does it make...I'll stick to the safety of my house thank you very much! There is no outside world here...only puppies and ducks and mice and aliens and pirates and princesses and princes and tons of other lovely little things that can never hurt me (unless they fall on my head I guess).

I was honest with a nurse, and it got me locked up, so that's my fault (apparently). I was traumatized from it to the point of almost full on agoraphobia, yet that is also my fault (apparently). I can't get over it and I'm torturing myself, so all side effects are my fault (apparently). Other family members who have needs too should be put first ahead of my own terrors because that's the way it's supposed to be (apparently). Any wonder why I ended up locked up in the first place? It's hard to fix yourself if you don't believe you matter enough and it's supported by the barrage of quotes like those above by those you value most in life. I'm not sure about you, but what I'm hearing is that I'm a total screw up whose only purpose is to serve the needs of others. Great. Just what I always wanted to be.

I guess I'll continue to be a self-imposed zombie, going to work, faking through the day, stitching at night, and waiting for the a-ha moment when this nightmare can either be over or begin to at least settle down a bit because I just don't know what else to do right now. If there is one thing I'm learning from all this, it's that all these years that I've felt so alone, there is a reason for it...it's because I am alone. Rant over...I've got at least one more episode of Once before I have to go to bed. At least the nightmares have stopped (for now...don't want to jinx myself).

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Centralia, Pennsylvania

Again, we didn't have the time to hang around for long, but we did manage to stop in at Centralia to see the major sites, first and foremost, the infamous church. For anyone who has ever seen the movie Silent Hill, you'll understand the significance of it, but it wasn't easy to get to and the no trespassing signs were everywhere!
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I really wanted to wander around a bit, but it just wasn't legal and it wasn't a line we were willing to cross. Finding the "graffiti road" was pretty easy, but getting there was a whole other story. It started with a walk past one of the front cemeteries (there are four in the town, three to the front and one at the back near the church):
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Despite the state of everything else, they do take incredible care of the cemeteries and people are still being buried there even today:
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Our first option was climbing down this hill...wasn't gonna happen because it's a lot steeper than it looks:
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So we walked down this incredibly creepy road (and we all know how I LOVE trees):
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Following clues left behind by previous fellow explorers:
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We ran up on another even steeper hill until we decided we couldn't avoid the scary "pit of despair" as I took to calling it, so around it we went, but I swear I expected bodies to start coming up out of the waters at any point:
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And viola!
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I wanted to walk further down, but we just didn't have the time. There was some neat graffiti, some poignant considering, some just crap or signatures (and there were people actively tagging while we were there):
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What did bother me though was the tagging in the trees and foliage surrounding the road...there is no call for that:
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Am caught a picture of me "petting" the leaves of a tagged tree. I was having a "moment", but hey, at least you get to see my purple hair and my Trans Allegheny shirt I mentioned in my last post (man, I've really gained weight since getting out of the hospital!):
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I wanted to walk all the way down to where the road actually breaks up, but Amber didn't want to and we were running out of time, so this was as close as I got:
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When we got back out, it's amazing how much of the town has just "disappeared" back into nature:
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And we could still see the creepy Silent Hill church from the Confetti Road:
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Ironically, on the way out, we found a much easier way in...oh well, you know what they say about hindsight!
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Again, I wish we could have had more time to explore the other cemeteries and more of the streets, but we had to get back on the road. But hey, at least I can say I've been there!

If you've never seen Silent Hill, it's a great horror movie packed with just about everything...ghosts, witches, demons, zombies, creepy kids, religious fanatics, portals to other realms, bugs, etc. and I highly recommend it! I made Amber watch it before we left and she didn't care for it (I believe she may have mentioned that I might have something wrong with me for liking that movie, but hey, what else is new?).